Wednesday, June 6, 2007

"Thong on Fire" and Other Bad Novels...

I am NOT a romance novel reader. Can't stand 'em, to tell you the truth. I prefer a good suspense or mystery to get my blood flowing. But I HAVE to give props (oh God, did I actually just say "give props"??) to the "Smart Bitches Who Love Trashy Novels" web site. (See link under "Web Pages I Like") The main part of their web site that I always go back to check on is their cover art snark. Here's a little sample for the cover of a book called "Thong on Fire":

Sarah: That’s one way to refer to gonorrhea.
Candy: When I saw that cover, I immediately heard Wolf Parade singing “Sometimes we rock and roll, sometimes we strip at home and it’s just fine, this thong’s on fire, this thong’s on fire, this thong’s on fire, this thong’s on fire.”
Anybody else? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Then the comments that the readers send in are enough to keep you in stitches for hours:

Dear me...I fear perhaps, her thong is on fire due to all the horrible chafing from that butt floss...did you see this was from the author of “Thug-A-Licious” ? Hmm...nothing’s sexier than knockin’ boots with yer baby daddy after he gets out of the pen. -Mamanice

And my personal favorite, from Amy F.B. E.- I can’t get past Thong On Fire. Holy shit. I shouldn’t be surprised at the utter horrendousness of that title since its predecessor was called Thug-A-Licious (didn’t he tour with Eminem last year?), but still. That’s one damn lousy title for anything other than a STD prevention manual!
“Are you a shameless hussy? Do your friends refer to you as the Revolving Whore? Are you physically incapable of seeing anything oblong without humping it madly, regardless of who’s watching? Have you not yet lived down that incident with the blow up doll, the waffle iron, and the church pew, despite moving to another state? Can you read at a 2nd grade level? Well, this is the book for you--THONG ON FIRE!
“This stirring novel teaches you ways to prevent a recurrence of that inconvenient green discharge from your Magic Vajayjay, as well as detailing methods for reducing that irritating twat chapping caused by fucking every doorknob in Home Depot! Order your copy today--only $19.95 in this special TV offer--but wait, there’s more! Act now and get not one, not two, but three extra-strength, silver-studded, faux leatherette condoms! Make your men howl with pleasure… or is it pain?… as they penetrate every one of your glistening lurve grottos. And that’s not all--we’ll also throw in this industrial-strength energizing and disinfecting spray, specially formulated for the tired and overused ladypocket...”
Oh yeah. I can’t wait to read it.

This web site is definitely worthy of saving in your favorites if you enjoy reading sarcastic review of REALLY bad cover art.

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